She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
the day after is always just damage control
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
