I wish I could teleport
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
