Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
