her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
