Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
