I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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