I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
