Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
