I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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