All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
