One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
