my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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