just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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