She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
