**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
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he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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