I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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