what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
