Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
