I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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