I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
