I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
