the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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