Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
