The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
