If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
