I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
