the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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