a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I want her autograph on my taint
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
