Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
