if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
