I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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