My Higher Power is John Stamos
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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