Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
