I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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