You're so nebulous sometimes
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
