my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
