Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
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We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
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ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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