STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
