I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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