I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
