peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
