I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
