the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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