I wish I could teleport
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
