i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
