What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
