I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
