i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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