I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
