we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
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