You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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