haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
babies were throwing up all over the place
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
