i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
