Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
