The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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