Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
